Futility Radio The Podcast of British Cult TV, Film and Radio. http://www.cadmium2.wordpress.com en-gb Copyright 2008 Wed, 20 Jan 2010 00:40:00 -0000 Mon, 25 Jan 2007 08:40:00 -0000 wave@futilityradio.com Futility Radio The Podcast of British Cult TV, Film and Radio. Welcome one and all to Cadium2, the podcast of British cult TV, film and radio. There are plenty of podcasts out there devoted to specific shows and the majority of them happen to be for the big American shows. Now that's all well and good and fine and dandy, we're fans of American shows ourselves, but...hang on, where's all the British stuff. Blighty's been producing quality cult entertainment for decades and it seems like people have forgotten about it. Well we haven't and we're here to remind everyone else what's out there. Not just TV shows, film and radio too. Radio is a big part of British entertainment, there's a huge catalogue of radio plays and adaptations we can cover. And we're not just talking Sci-fi or fantasy either. Admittedly, a lot of our shows will be based in those two genres but there's other stuff out there; Blackadder, Hitchcock movies, Monty Python, the Wicker Man, The Italian Job, Dangermouse, even the Carry On Films. Between the three of us (and our combined age of over 100) we have a rather wide ranging body of experience but we haven't all seen or heard the same things; for example, we'll be covering Timeslip, which only one of us has ever seen before. And we won't just talk about things we like, you'll find that while we all agree on some things, there will be wildly differing opinions on others. We'll also be bringing in some guest presenters every now and then to offer different perspectives. Mike, Paul and Andrew. Covered so far: The Avengers (Diana Rigg B+W era) Blakes 7 Series 1 (The Way Back, Spacefall) The Box of Delights Captain Scarlet Doctor Who Series 1 (An Uneathly Child, The Tribe of Gum, The Daleks, The Edge of Destruction, Marco Polo, The Keys of Marinus, The Aztecs, The Sensorites, The Reign of Terror) Doctor Who Series 2 (Planet of Giants, The Dalek Invasion of Earth, The Rescue, The Romans, The Web Planet, The Crusade, The Space Mueseum, The Chase, The Time Meddler) Doctor Who Series 3 (Galaxy 4, Mission to the Unknown, The Myth Makers, The Daleks Masterplan, The Massacre, The Ark, The Celestial Toymaker) Doctor who Companion Chronicles (Frostfire) Ghostwatch The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy (Radio Series 1) Hot Fuzz James Bond (From Russia With Love, Tomorrow Never Dies) Nebulous (Series 1) Neverwhere Red Dwarf (Series 1, Back to Earth) The Stone Tape Survivors (Series One, Episodes 1-2) Timelslip (The Wrong End of Time, The Time of the Ice Box, The Year of the Burn Up, The Day of the Clone) The Tomorrow People (The Slaves of Jedikiah, The Medusa Strain) Withnail and I Andrew Richards, Michael Greaves, Paul Greaves cadmium2@futilityradio.com no Doctor Who, Cult, SciFi http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/001.mp3 A detailed discussion about the first ever episode of Doctor Who. Podcasts Welcome one and all to Cadium2, the podcast of British cult TV, film and radio. There are plenty of podcasts out there devoted to specific shows and the majority of them happen to be for the big American shows. Now that's all well and good and fine and dandy, we're fans of American shows ourselves, but...hang on, where's all the British stuff. Blighty's been producing quality cult entertainment for decades and it seems like people have forgotten about it. Well we haven't and we're here to remind everyone else what's out there. Not just TV shows, film and radio too. Radio is a big part of British entertainment, there's a huge catalogue of radio plays and adaptations we can cover. And we're not just talking Sci-fi or fantasy either. Admittedly, a lot of our shows will be based in those two genres but there's other stuff out there; Blackadder, Hitchcock movies, Monty Python, the Wicker Man, The Italian Job, Dangermouse, even the Carry On Films. Between the three of us (and our combined age of over 100) we have a rather wide ranging body of experience but we haven't all seen or heard the same things; for example, we'll be covering Timeslip, which only one of us has ever seen before. And we won't just talk about things we like, you'll find that while we all agree on some things, there will be wildly differing opinions on others. We'll also be bringing in some guest presenters every now and then to offer different perspectives. So, on to our first show. And where better to start Cadmium2 than with the very first episode of the World's longest running TV science fiction show. Being lifelong Doctor Who fans we decided that one of our tasks would be to review Doctor Who in order, from the beginning. A challeging task, you might say. So we sat down in eager anticipation to watch a show we know upside down, inside out and back to front only to notice things we'd never noticed before (and still wish we hadn't). In a bizzare parallel, just like Doctor Who, Cadmium2 also has two first shows. Unlike Doctor Who though, you will never get to experience our first attempt because it was a hideous, hideous experience. But it was worth it in the long run because the result is the podcast we unveil to you now. So whatever you may be doing whilst listening to this podcast, we hope you enjoy it. Mike, Paul and Andrew. Mon, 25 Jan 2007 08:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/002.mp3 Paul and Andrew visit the studio where Big Finish are recording their latest play, The Wishing Beast. Featuring interviews with Jean Marsh, Bonnie Langford and John Ainsworth. Podcasts Andrew and Paul went along to the Big Finish studios to interview the head honcho, Nicholas Briggs. This is not that show. While they were there, they went to see the new Doctor Who audio play being recorded and spoke to the people involved. This is that show. Sun, 19 Aug 2007 08:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/003.mp3 Paul, Andrew and Mike discuss the first Timeslip serial from 1970. Podcasts This show needs a whole new sub-genre to identify it. It's not SF, it's not Sci-Fi, it's...Science-Fi. While the story may be a load of old man's giblets, the science behind it is apparently based on actual scientific theories of the day (you know, in the same way that Eastenders is based on 'reality'). They even go so far as to have a rather dull scientist introduce the first episode by explaining the theoretical principles of time travel (it involves bubbles and...stuff). Nobody uses actual science to come up with stories anymore, they jut make up any old guff. Imagine... 'Good evening. Tonight's programme involves a space anomaly..er, a blue, squiggly one. The effect of which is that time itself fragments and shatters resulting in an accumulation of non-energy particles, which form a re-active reverse envelope field of quasi-uni time, as demonstrated with this chicken and a rubber band. (twannng, cluck) The result is past, present and future existing all at the same time. Scientists know that this is all a load of [bleep] but the writers thought it would be cool to see a dinosaur on a double-decker bus. Look, someone's drawn a picture. Enjoy the show.' Actually, that sounds great. wed, 29 Aug 2007 08:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/004.mp3 Paul and Andrew talk to Nick Briggs, the producer of the Big Finish Doctor Who range and the voice of the Daleks (and more) in the latest series of Doctor Who. Podcasts This is that show that wasn't that show last time. This time though, this most definitely IS that show. And this one. That is all. wed, 12 Sep 2007 08:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/005.mp3 Paul, Andrew, Mike and Wendy discuss the 18th Bond film! Podcasts We couldn't very well talk about a James Bond film without our good friend Wendy. Besides, she wouldn't let us. We picked a James Bond film in a very scientific manner...Andrew pulled one out of a box. It was Octopussy. He tried again...It was Die Another Day. So someone else had a go and we got number 18, Tomorrow Never Dies. Hurrah. Now then, you'll hear some forthright views in this podcast because, apart from Andrew, we're all big James Bond fans. Naturally, we all have our differing opinions so don't be too alarmed when Paul and Wendy start shouting at each other about which was the best of the Brosnan Bonds, because I know it's The World Is Not Enough (Andrew's not bothered and he'd be wrong anyway). So, put on your best tuxedo, order yourself a vodka martini, violently kill somebody with a cello and settle down to listen to us batter each other senseless with our unrelenting opinions. And when it's all over, remember... Cadmium2 will return wed, 26 Sep 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/006.mp3 Paul, Andrew, Mike review the rest of the first ever Doctor Who story. Podcasts Or, to give it its proper title 'episodes 2,3 and 4 of An Unearthly Child' (we can't actually agree on that one but never mind). After the harrowing, register teasing storyline of the very first episode, these next three really push the envelope... RADA re-enacts a pre-historic wrestling tournament while the regular actors are whipped with twigs. Oh, and a man on a glockenspiel over does it and has to be threatened with burning skulls. Classic. And nobody chews gum. At all. What the hell's that about wed, 10 Oct 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/007.mp3 We watch the 1973 BBC TV Movie.. Podcasts No, it's not a sex tape of Mick Jagger that's been leaked on to the internet. The Stone Tape is... ...The first show in a series. The little-known follow up shows were - The Rock Glue, The Limestone Adhesive and The Clay Velcro. There was a brief dalliance with Children's television, but The Pebble Pritt Stick didn't do very well and the rest of the series was scrapped, leaving The Stone Tape as the best of the whole sorry bunch. The Stone Tape is... ...A largely forgotten documentary about the origins or rock music, tracing it all the way back to pre-historic times when cavemen used dinosaur bones to bang on rocks in order to impress cavewomen. Of course, all this was before the dinosaurs were stolen by aliens. The Stone Tape is... ...A one-off BBC drama from 1977 full of sexism, racism, egotism and other things ending in 'ism'. The Stone Tape takes inspiration from scientific theory and gives it a ghostly spin to create a tense, atmospheric and creepy drama. Or maybe, like the stone tape itself, it's a cold, lifeless, vague impression of something that's had it's day. You decide. wed, 24 Oct 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/008.mp3 We watch the 1973 BBC TV Movie.. Podcasts It's amazing that this one ever got past the BBC Censors. In only the second Doctor Who story ever, the TARDIS crew help the Thals fight and destroy their opponents. Sounds straight forward to us but hang on a minute, weren't the perfect looking, blonde haired, blue eyed people the model of a perfectly ordered Aryan super race as recommended by the Nazis. Not one of the Thals is disabled, deformed or 'unattractive'. And our heroes teach them all how to fight. They teach the Nazi way to the Nazi poster boys and even join in when they head off to kill all the mutated, deformed inhabitants of the city, all of whom are disabled. They're all confined to wheelchairs and unable to leave their home. There's nowhere for them to run to and as a result they're sitting ducks, mercilessly preyed upon by the Thals until they're all dead. And then the Doctor and friends head off somewhere else, feeling all smug and happy that they've helped wipe out a civilisation. And this is presented as a children's show. wed, 14 Nov 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/009.mp3 We watch the ITV show... Podcasts They call themselves the Tomorrow People. They are the future of mankind. If that's true, I'm leaving Earth the first chance I get. Actually, they appear to be intergalactic veterinary surgeons. In this, the first ever story, a fat robot with a limited vocabulary asks them to give his pet frog some cough medicine. wed, 28 Nov 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/010.mp3 We watch The Box of Delights. Podcasts Sometimes you watch a TV show that you saw as a child and you think 'why did I like this so much'. It's dated so badly, it's just awful' (actually what you probably think is 'jesus, what a creaky load of old shite' but you know what I mean). It makes you think that all the shows you enjoyed when you were young are just rotting dinosaurs now. But then there are shows like The Box of Delights. Yes, at first glance it may look primitive compared to today's standards but it's actually far superior to many shows that followed. The story, the acting, the atmosphere, the effects...no matter how often you watch it, it's always impressive, always entertaining and it always makes you nostalgic for the time when you first saw it on TV at Christmas as a kid. Of course it has its flaws, what doesn't. But take the DVD off the shelf, open the box and you'll be delighted (see what I did there). As soon as you start to watch it, it'll feel like Christmas again....even in June. wed, 12 Dec 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/011.mp3 A review of the third ever Doctor Who story.. Podcasts Ian and the Doctor spend half the story flat on their backs while Barbara gets hysterical and Susan just goes Maaaaaadd. What with scissors, strangulation, hands up skirts, bleeding wounds and men's pants, this bizzare two-parter seems like some Cronenberg directed, schizophrenic sado-masochist's wet dream (all it's missing is Hartnell in a gimp mask). Unfortunately, no-one but Cronenberg could possibly get excited about this story - especially when they find out why it's happening - and, quite frankly, the climax can only come as a relief. That's not what I meant, you're all sick. wed, 26 Dec 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/012.mp3 A review of the fourth ever Doctor Who story. Podcasts The Adventurer with the Hole. Difficult one this, normally, when you listen to an audio play your mind creates images to go with the events, so logically, this should be all the more impressive because we're picturing a seven part journey from the Himalayas to Peking involving bandits, intrigue, sword fights, capture, escape, sweeping vistas, dramatic action... Unfortunately, this is British 60's sci-fi for television, so we know what the production values would have been like and as a result we're picturing half-heartedly blacked up actors, a couple of rocks in a sandpit and barely convincing backdrops with creases in them. But, then again, it wasn't meant to be radio so we'll let them off. A bit. So here is our latest show, all about Doctor Who and the Minty Fresh Explorer wed, 09 Jan 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/013.mp3 In this show, we look at the BBC Radio 4 science fiction comedy show Nebulous. Podcasts Hmmm, Nebulous. What can I say about Nebulous that isn't vague, confused or indistinct... I could say that it's set in the future. I could say that it's about an ex-clown turned brilliant scientist who blew up the Isle of Wight and now runs a laundy service inbetween saving the world from dust, talking cacti, coincidences and friendy aliens. I could say that it's very funny, very clever and very funny. I could say that it has an excellent main cast, an impressive guest cast and has happily managed to have two series with no mention yet of transferring to television (good thing too, it belongs on radio). I could say that you should listen to it. In fact, I WILL say that you should listen to it. You should listen to it. wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/014.mp3 In this show, we look at the fifth Doctor Who story, The Keys of Marinus. Podcasts The TARDIS crew arrive on a planet where a gang of wetsuit-clad burglars are trying to break into an old man's home and steal his keys....the bastards. But the old man's been really crafty, see, and he's hidden the keys all over the planet. But of course he's old and probably lost his glasses so the Doctor and friends go off to find the keys before the burglars can get them. But they have to nick them off some comedy knights, a courtroom judge, plants on strings, a hairy rapist and some splatty things in jars.....ooh, the excitement. There was actually a seventh episode where they get back only to find that the old man has indeed lost his glasses and asks them to search the planet all over again. They push him over, steal his pension and run off. Wisely, the episode was dropped. wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/015.mp3 In this show, we look at the second Timeslip story, The Time of the Ice Box. Podcasts Brrr. It's chilly willys all round as Lovely Liz and Speccy Simon find themselves in a frozen wasteland. It's the far future (1990 to be precise) and they take refuge in a remote scientific outpost where the inhabitants are trying to perfect an anti-ageing drug. They are a posh aunt, a young guy who seems far too interested in Liz for decency's sake and a man who lives like he's dancing 'the robot'. When you add to that an older, evil version of Liz and a funky black wig for her mum, this show's got everything....well no, actually it has very little but it is fun. Important note: Watch the episode that's in colour and you'll see that Simon really is the stylish trend setter we all thought he was. wed, 20 Feb 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/016.mp3 To celebrate the twentieth anniversary of the show, we look at the very first series of Red Dwarf. Podcasts Goits, Gits, Gimps and Gimboids of all ages gather round as we celebrate the 20th anniversary of Red Dwarf. No it's not a show about a Russian midget, that wouldn't be very interesting. A scouse poet, an impressionist with big nostrils, a dancer and a stand up comedian who spends all his time sitting down, live (and die) in a spaceship whilst being obscenely rude to each other and not meeting aliens. So, if you're a white hatted ponce, a six breasted Quagaar Warrior Woman or even if you look something like a roast chicken, then order yourself some blackcurrant cordial with blancmange and two creams and a sugar and reminisce with us about the day that Frankenstein didn't go to Fiji. If that made any sense at all, I worry about you. This podcast was sponsored by the Norweb Federation. wed, 05 Mar 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/017.mp3 We continue our coverage of Doctor Who with the first series story The Aztecs. Podcasts There's nothing like a bit of grave robbing followed by identity fraud and religious intolerance but sometimes, that just isn't enough. Try poisoning your best mate or running out on your fiance before the wedding. And if all else fails, you can always fall back on the old 'destroying a man's faith' routine. That one gets 'em every time. Obviously, this won't appeal to everyone, so for those of you who prefer a less hands-on approach, you could simply dress up like a leopard and wait for the Spaniards. Aahhh, those were the days wed, 19 Mar 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/018.mp3 Show 18: Doctor Who (The Sensorites) Podcasts The three wise monkeys of Cadmium2 (geek no evil, swear no evil, fart no evil) try to make 'sense' of Doctor Who's latest adventure. As season one of Doctor Who nears it's dimensionally transcendental end, this under-rated story has a lot more going for it than you might think - a spooky spaceship, telepathic aliens, a deranged astronaut, murder, intrigue, suspense and a podgy alien who likes to dress in other people's clothes. And, best of all, we find out where the Bee Gees got their look. Yes indeed, those eunuch lung-ed disco squealers clearly stole their image from this particular story and it may well have been the inspiration behind their most well known hit. Altogether now, Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiii-hiiiiiiiiiiiiii-hiiiiiiiiiiiive wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/019.mp3 Show 19: Neverwhere. Podcasts Maria makes four this week as we all gather round to watch Neverwhere. Oh wow, it's got him in it. And that's the bloke from whatsit. I recognise him. And him. Hey look, it's her from that other show. I didn't realise he was around then. Isn't that the woman who was in that sitcom. And wasn't she in a Bond movie. He was in that one we just watched wasn't he. Blimey, every actor in the UK seems to be in this. He looks familiar, what's his name. I didn't remember him being in it. Oh it's her, I liked her. Didn't that guy play one of the Beatles. Oh, I've not seen her in anything before. Or since. Good thing really. wed, 16 Apr 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/020.mp3 Show 20: Doctor Who (The Reign of Terror) Podcasts It's the Doctor's turn to dress in someone else's clothes this week as the final story of season one sees another tale of mistaken identity, this time set during the French Revolution. The Doctor and crew encounter burning buildings, prison cells, the guillotine, rats, riots, spying, assassination and a dirty shovel. One of them screams, one of them has a holiday, one wears a feathered hat and one nearly cops off with a Frenchman. It's a violent, historical romp. Almost like Cadmium2 itself (except for the violence) (and the history) (and the romping) wed, 30 Apr 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/021.mp3 Show 21: Doctor Who (Series 1) Podcasts Does exactly what it says on the pod, what more do you want. Alright, I'll elaborate. The first season of Doctor Who was a landmark in British television and set the show's template for the next 40 years. Because of this, and because we have just watched the whole season in order, we have decided to discuss the season in it's entirety; dissecting the storylines, themes, morals and characters as well as the production values, performances and its impact as a hole. Sorry, I meant 'whole'. wed, 14 May 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/022.mp3 Show 22: Timeslip (The Year of the Burn Up) Podcasts The heat is on as Lovely Liz and Speccy Simon once again find themselves in a possible future, but this time there's sunshine and a jungle and lots more skin and identical women and secret rooms and a brain wiping machine and thigh-high boots and a lovers tiff and a mad old man and a starey-eyed villain and a woman who can't stop laughing and rocks, lots of rocks. No, I mean it, there's LOTS of rocks. Seriously, you'd better like rocks. There's a bucket load of plot too. Oh, and some shit about cabbages (don't ask). So what are you waiting for, start the show, listen and enjoy as we discuss Timeslip: The Year of the Rocks. (if you're worried about the survival rate of cabbages in extreme temperatures, call the cabbage helpline on this number now - 0800 6293what the hell are you doing, there's no such bloody number you fool. A cabbage survival charity, are you mad) wed, 28 May 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/023.mp3 Show 23: Withnail and I Podcasts Wendy returns this week to join us as we watch Withnail and I. This iconic British movie stars two of Britain's most talented actors - and a couple of blokes called Paul Mcgann and Richard E. Grant (I bet they won't amount to anything). Popular with students, it's a film about drugs, drink driving, burglary and dead fish. You may need a camberwell carrot to get through it but if you watch it all the way to the end and you don't feel like screaming at cattle, there's something wrong with you. wed, 11 Jun 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/024.mp3 Show 24 Doctor Who (Planet of Giants) Podcasts The second season hits the big time as the Doctor discovers that size IS important. Stupidity and plot holes abound as the TARDIS crew are shrunk to the size of a baby's fingernail. MARVEL at the giant earthworm. SHUDDER at the large wasp. Feel your SKIN CRAWL at the enormous fly. CRINGE at the 'how to act in a matchbox' scene. STARE DUMBFOUNDED at their 999 emergency call. RUN AWAY at the prospect of watching it again. wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/025.mp3 Show 25 From Russia With Love Podcasts James Bond goes to Istanbul to find his biggest fan because she wants to give him a typewriter. What he doesn't know is that she's lying and actually works for an ugly woman who stabs people with her feet. They're Russian and they want to kill him. So does the bloke from Jaws. Bond doesn't care though, he sleeps with the fan, strangles the shark hunter, steals the typewriter, makes a sex tape and still has time to umpire at a women's wrestling match (with first dibs on the contestants, naturally). Can't wait to see what Goldfinger is about, it sounds right up his street. wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/026.mp3 Show 26: Doctor Who (The Dalek Invasion of Earth) Podcasts In the rather annoying event of an alien invasion, it wouldn't hurt to follow these instructions. 1. Twist Your Ankle 2. Get Captured 3. Run through London with a sour faced woman pushing a cripple 4. Squelch through the sewers taking great care to squash the terrifyingly tiny alligator 5. Defuse a polystyrene bomb 6. Tear your jacket 7. Hide in a hanging-basket while a man in a bag falls of a cliff 8. Stop any explosive devices by balancing them on a stick Congratulations, you have just stopped an alien invasion. Wasn't difficult, was it? wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/027.mp3 Show 27 Timeslip (The Day of the Clone) Podcasts Right then, we can travel through time so where shall we go? The far future, to see flying cars and martian colonies? To the distant past to see knights in armour or the dinosaurs? No, tell you what....Let's go here five years ago. That's cheap! Okay, so the tramps will have to be slightly less urine stained and the dog turds will need to be fresher, but apart from that we can film on the streets and re-use sets, Hooray. The entire budget can then be spent on a life-size papier mache model of Liz, which serves no purpose to the story and scares the living f#@k out of everyone who sees it because it looks like it was made underwater by a blind madman with no fingers. Let's do that then. wed, 06 Aug 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/028.mp3 Show 28 Doctor Who (The Rescue/The Romans) Podcasts Right then, we can travel through time so where shall we go? The far future, to see flying cars and martian colonies? To the distant past to see knights in armour or the dinosaurs? No, tell you what....Let's go here five years ago. That's cheap! Okay, so the tramps will have to be slightly less urine stained and the dog turds will need to be fresher, but apart from that we can film on the streets and re-use sets, Hooray. The entire budget can then be spent on a life-size papier mache model of Liz, which serves no purpose to the story and scares the living f#@k out of everyone who sees it because it looks like it was made underwater by a blind madman with no fingers. Let's do that then. wed, 20 Aug 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/029.mp3 Show 29 Children of the Stones Podcasts Last in a series of documentaries about the offspring of the Rolling Stones. This week - Sir Mick Jagger and his seven children (by four women) and three grandchildren: They thought he was just Mick Jagger, what they didn't know was that in 1555 Nostradamus predicted he would raise an army, an army that would take over the world! The prediction goes: On December 31st 2010, a Rolling Stones concert will take place, and the last note of the last song will transmit a signal; having been strategically placed across the globe, the entire Jagger clan will activate. As one, they will rise up, pout, clap their hands and strut in that odd confused chicken style he's so keen on. It will be so mesmerising that no one will be able to resist their power! As each person they meet falls under their spell and becomes like them, the World's population will be turned into Jagger clones. They will build an army of spaceships and travel the universe singing Ruby Tuesday and turning any race they meet into other Jagger clones. A select few will be allowed to become David Bowies and Peter Tosh's (for cloned collaboration purposes only) and all will be forced to watch Ned Kelly and Freejack....Forever! All Hail The Mighty Jagger! Or we could just be taking the mick wed, 03 Sep 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/030.mp3 Show 30 Doctor Who (The Web Planet) Podcasts When the Tardis is forced to land on a planet, the crew discover that a giant, telepathic jellyfish with the voice of a pervert has taken over, enslaved all the ants, evicted the butterflies and started to collect moons. What the F**k? The butterflies want the planet back and get the Tardis crew to help them deflate the jellyfish. They don't do this straight away of course, oh no, first, Ian burbles on about losing his pen and then, when his school tie gets ruined, the stress proves too much and he talks about dropping his trousers. The Doctor's not much better because while Barbara's doing half a Boris Karloff impression (she only sticks one arm out), he's staring into the jaws of death and asks to use an intergalactiv hair-dryer. Vicki doesn't do anything worth talking about. Now, come on. I know this was an experimental story but what the hell went on there? I mean, ambition is one thng but this can only be explained by a complete collective mental breakdown at the BBC (Bloody Bonkers Corporation). Strangely, there's this stuff smeared all over the camera lens for all six episodes. Either the cameraman got over excited at the thought of a grown man dressed like a giant ant or they were tryin to make it less watchable for some reason. It's as if they knew.... wed, 17 Sep 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/031.mp3 Show 31: Survivors (Part 1) Podcasts Aaaaahhhhhh, the peace and quiet of the English countryside with it's wonderful sounds and smells. The beautiful birdsong, the babbling of brooks and the wind in the trees wafting the smell of the rotting corpses....what?! That's right, it's the first two episodes of (the original) Survivors. Cheery title, eh? Implies something bad has happened. Still, it could have been worse, they could have called it "No Survivors" or "Very Few Survivors" or "Almost Everyone's DEAD!" Terry Nation must have been a really miserable sod. First he created the Daleks, then he created Blake's 7 and now this! Tragedy strikes when a Chinese scientist drops a vial of deadly bacteria and spreads it aaall over the world (Butterfingers! Bet the clumsy oaf won't do that again). Over the next few weeks, everyone dies from excessive sweating except for a posh bird, a bit of totty from London, a Welsh tramp and a miserable git with his own helicopter. Fortunately, there's no annoying little cutesy brat (because in Britain we go for realism and they would have been the first to go). Cue lots of silence, walking through fields, washing in puddles and burning of the dead. Basically, they all become potato farmers and try not to think about the fact that they'll have to shag each other senseless in order to continue the human race ("ooh, ooh, I bagsy the tramp!"). How utterly depressing. Enjoy. wed, 01 Oct 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/032.mp3 Show 32: Doctor Who (The Crusade) Podcasts The time travellers arrive in 'history' again. Barbara gets kidnapped during a swordfight between some men in tabards and some other men in different tabards, the Doctor and Vicki go shoplifting and Ian shouts at King Richard until he gets knighted (I bet no one's ever tried that with Queen Liz!). Barbara's interrogated by what appears to be a shoe shine man who fell asleep in the polish so she impersonates a member of the royal family - as you do. Her captor (giving what can only be described as a 'polished' performance - ba-dum tsh! Aiiiy thank you) takes her to his harem. Ian goes looking for her but decides to take part in a medieval gay sex game instead -- the rules of the game are very simple, Ian lies staked out on the beach and an Arabic horse thief starts removing his (Ian's) clothes. Covering Ian in honey, he then watches with mounting excitement from behind a tree as the local wildlife licks Ian's honey glazed flesh (this is where the scene changes - thank god it was nearly in danger of losing it's children's programme status). So, while Barbara gets to swap knitting techniques with the other sex slaves, the Doctor and Vicki hang around in King Richard's pad doing nothing much. Vicki pretends to be a boy for some reason and, despite the apparent lack of a trans-gender society in the middle ages, no one seems to notice that "Victor" has tits (maybe moobs is a much older term than we think). Ian arrives in time to watch someone else save Barbara from a life of endless sex and all four of them bugger off back to the TARDIS. Ian never mentions his gay animal romp to a living soul. wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/033.mp3 Show 33: Ghostwatch Podcasts Ghostwatch, with Bill Oddie......oh, no, that's Autumnwatch, or Springwatch, or Rutting Bloody Birdswatch! So, Ghostwatch... There's one! There's one! There's one! There's one! Okay, this could get tedious so over to Michael Parkinson, king of the chat shows, who's interviewing the ghost of a suicidal cross-dresser, eaten by cats. It's all very interesting (except for Mike Smith, who isn't). So we'll go to Sarah Greene, who's actually IN the house WITH the family and a man dressed in PINK standing infront of the CURTAINS. One of the girls has got a HAMMER, there's a STAIN on the carpet and there are some APPLES on STRINGS...frightening STUFF. So we'll visit Craig Charles who's in the street outside finding the whole thing amusing and talking to some old bloke about dead dogs. Which reminds me, let's try Mike Smith again......no, still not interesting. So, Ghostwatch then... trick or treat? Fri, 31 Oct 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/034.mp3 Show 34: Doctor Who (The Space Museum) Podcasts Okay, the TARDIS crew arrive in a space museum (hence the title) where they see themselves as exhibits in glass cases. In a fascinating science fiction concept, this is explained by their having turned up before they've arrived, which is also after they've already been there. So when they first arrive for the second time, they've already arrived after themselves before they even turn up. So by getting there both before AND after the second time they turn up first, they IT HURTS! IT HURTS! OWWWW......MY BRAIN!!! Fortunately, the next three episodes provide ample opportunity for the brain to recover. Wed, 12 Nov 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/035.mp3 Show 35: Doctor Who (The Chase) Podcasts The Daleks interrupt the Doctor while he's sunbathing (ooh, that'll give you nightmares) so he challenges them to a game of hide and seek and legs it in the TARDIS. After counting to one hundred, the Daleks set off after them "Coming! Ready or not!" They hide on the roof of the Empire State Building with Columbo and a complete twat. They hide on the Mary Celeste where Barbara gets into a spot of bother with some seamen (stop it!). They hide in THE crappest haunted house at a funfair and they hide in an alien jungle full of giant killer mushrooms (you die laughing basically). But Oh No! The Daleks have created a robot Doctor designed to cheat at Hide and Seek, the rotters! The time travellers face a difficult dilemma. Which is the real Doctor? The one that looks like him or the one that...doesn't. At all. Not even a little bit. I mean, they could have put a short, fat, bald, indian woman wearing a false beard into a badger costume and covered it in custard and it would have still been better than the "double" they ended up with. But the finale takes place in a city populated by robots that are shaped like a bollock. The shiny ballbags don't like hide and seek though, and it's not long before they and the Daleks have a massive punch up. Our heroes take the opportunity to set fire to the place and jump off the roof. The End. Oh, Ian and Babs finally f**k off too. Wed, 26 Nov 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/036.mp3 Show 36 Blakes' 7 (The Way Back/Spacefall) Podcasts Actually, there were never more than 6 of them and that wasn't until episode 4 and for the last two series there were only 5 and Blake wasn't in it. Talk about false advertising. Another Hello to Wendy and a big brand-spanking-new Hello to Rosie, a new voice at Cadmium2 and a fellow fan of this show's subject. A man wearing clothes that are far too big for him is convicted of being a child molester and legs it in a stolen motor. Along the way he picks up a couple of other criminals and two of the backing dancers from Top of the Pops and they all go on the run; killing, stealing and generally causing havoc. Can the Government's psychotic pirate/motorcycle courier apprehend them? Find out by watching "Blake's or Whoever's 7 (Actually 6) or Lower". It's a classic. With a great theme tune... "Bommm" "bom ba-bom bom bom-bom bomm" "da-da daa, da-da daa, da-da daa" "Bommmm, bom ba-bom bom bom-bom bomm" "da-da daa, da-da daa, da-da daa" "Bommmm, bom ba-bom bom bom-bom bommmmmm" "da-da daa daa daa daaaaa da-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" (and so on until you get to the great end bit...) "wooooouuuuuuuuuwwwwww" "wooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwwww" Marvellous stuff! Wed, 10 Dec 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/037.mp3 Show 37 Doctor Who (The Time Meddler) Podcasts A spaceman, a monk, a panda and a horny bloke called Sven...who wouldn't want to see the Doctor pit his wits against that lot? Wed, 24 Dec 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/038.mp3 Show 38 Doctor Who (Galaxy Four/Mission to the Unknown) Podcasts The Doctor and his companions land on a planet and meet a 60's retro girl band called The Drahvins; their ship has crashed and they can't fix it. Steven is more than happy to help since there's about six of them all wearing mini-skirts, boots and beehive hairdo's. The Doctor then discovers that another, apparently male, group called Rill and The Chumblies has crashed and they can't fix their ship either. Now, Rill offers to help The Drahvins fix their ship but they're having none of it, clearly there's some kind of grudge match over chart positions or something. So, the Doctor takes Vicki to get an autograph from Rill and The Chumblies and that's when Steven makes his move on the Drahvins.... ....and who can bame him? After surviving 2 years as a prisoner only to get shut in a box with a temperamental old git and a strangely asexual girl with a history of dressing like a man and starting wars, he must be gagging for it. Anyway, he handles their equipment and they try to suffocate him (he likesthe kinky stuff does our Steven). Steven eventually gets out of the airlock, which is rather conveniently the only part of the ship that still appears to work, and he and the Drahvins go to see Rill (not far from Llandudno, follow the A55, get off at the A525 and it's about 5 miles away). The planet's about to disintegrate though and Rill REALLY wants to leave. He asks the Doctor to help them get off the planet and the Doctor reveals that he's an actually an on-call member of the intergalactic RAC. Talk about luck! He takes some jump leads from the TARDIS and jump starts the spaceship. Yes, you read that correctly, he IS the 5th emergency service! And that's it, Rill and The Chumblies get off the planet first thereby winning series five million of the x factor and getting a christmas number one throughout the galaxy. The Doctor, Steven and Vicki take off in te TARDIS and leave the Drahvins TO DIE!!! To be ripped apart and blown to bouffanted smithereens when the planet explodes!!! Was their music really that bad? Or was it just because they wouldn't let Steven get his end away? The next episode is Mission To The Unknown and has nothing to do with anything or any of our intrepid heroes...they're not even in it! Instead, three men we've never seen before, kill each other so that they don't have to listen to any more of the disturbing, hideous SCREAMING coming from the dense BBC jungle that they've got lost in. Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/039.mp3 Show 39 Captain Scarlet Podcasts He was killed by Aliens, he was brought back to life - He cannot die! He works for an organisation that protects mankind from alien threats, he doesn't use his real name. He is a captain. No, it's not Captain Jack Harkness. It's Captain Scarlet, and he could kick Jack's arse!! Seriously, the evidence speaks for itself... Even though Jack can't die, the selfish bastard always lets the mortals go into danger first, he spends far too much time trying to shag people on company time (including company employees) and when the Daleks invaded the Earth, he just sat in a corner and wept! He should be called Captain Pussy! Scarlet though, he knows he won't die and so he always puts himself in harms way first (bravo!), he keeps his mind on the job and not "the job" and if the Daleks invaded Earth on his watch? No crying for him, you just know that he'd be straight in there, kicking plunger! So... Captain Jack - a cowardly, selfish, sex mad wimp who shall live forever until he becomes a big, wrinkly old head and dies. Captain Scarlet - a compassionate, professional, fearless hero who shall live forever, valiantly defending us from Barry White and the Floating Polo Mints! Proof - if proof be need be - that Captain Scarlet IS the greatest (even if his eyes have been glued on)! Wed, 21 Jan 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/040.mp3 Show 40 Doctor Who (The Myth Makers) Podcasts Show 40 Doctor Who (The Myth Makers) Wed, 04 Feb 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/041.mp3 Show 41 Doctor Who (Frostfire) Podcasts In an unscheduled addition to Cadmium2, we listen to the first of Big Finish's Companion Chronicles (because it just so happens to fit perfectly after our Myth Makers show); a tale told by an old Vicki, a lifetime after she left the Doctor and Steven. A tale of the three travellers attending a London fair, involving a famous author, a cheeky chimney sweep, a big blue egg that's telepathic (naturally) and some frost and fire....hence the name...frostfire. I suppose it could've been called Authorsweep or Eggchimney, actually, I prefer Eggchimney. So sit back and listen to our review of Eggchimney. We like to do the occasional interview on Cadmium2 so here's one we prepared earlier...Andrew took some time out to ask Steven Taylor himself (that's Peter Purves to those of you who understand about reality) some questions about his long career in television. Tue, 10 Feb 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/042.mp3 Show 42 Carry On up the Khyber Podcasts We introduce a new guest with this show, welcome to James. James knows far more about military history than all three of us put together so this was a perfect opportunity for him to show us just how much he knows... This is a fascinating and informative entry in the acclaimed and respected series of historical documentaries under the "Carry On..." banner that explore the finer, more subtle aspects of British culture (both contemporary and historical). Hosted by Roy Castle, this one shows the rise of the British Empire in India. From a breathtaking journey through the Khyber Pass to an enlightening meeting of tribal leaders, Roy takes part in traditional Indian dancing and finally attends a dinner party at the palace from where the British ruled the country. The crowning glory of this documentary is a truly spectacular re-enactment of an attack on the British by the Turks, it's been painstakingly researched and everything from the accents and costumes down to the artillery and even the underwear is as accurate as you are ever likely to see (it puts films like Braveheart and 300 to shame). This is a gem of a documentary, we all learned so much about our history. These should be taught in schools. Wed, 18 Feb 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/043.mp3 Show 43 Doctor Who (The Daleks Masterplan) Podcasts The Daleks are back! With a 12 point plan to a slimmer galaxy (actually there's only 1 point and that's "kill everything"). This is a 12 episode story and it really packs a lot in... A policeman forces Steven to take drugs. The Doctor mugs someone, nicks his clothes, gatecrashes a party and steals a tin of beans. They all steal a spaceship and go joyriding (killing a few prisoners in the process). The Doctor's new companion commits suicide. A woman kills her her own brother because the bastard son of Gollum and Duncan Goodhew tells her to. The Doctor and steven become kidnappers and hide on a planet full of invisible giants. The daleks and a man made of eyebrows chase the across time and space. Everyone goes to ancient Egypt for a holiday and get in trouble with the locals. A monk gets stuck in an igloo. The Daleks try to destroy the galaxy. And much much more.... This story goes on so long that by the end of it, everyone's aged 80 years. All this fuss over a tin of beans and none of them have even got a tin opener! Also, there must have been a problem with the film because the whole of episode 7 appears to have been replaced by a great steaming pile of shit! Wed, 04 Mar 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/044.mp3 Show 44 The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy (Radio Series 1) Podcasts Don't Panic! A man with two heads, a manic journalist, a dole dodger and a homeless man in his jim jams steal a spaceship and go joyriding with a depressed robot. Along the way, they come up with some questions for a mouse-based chat show, watch the universe go "FOOM" and get marooned with some hairdressers and a rubber duck. Still, at least they'll have some time to play Scrabble (about 2 million years actually). So as I said...Don't Panic! This podcast was sponsored by the Sirius Cyberneticsc Corporation. Share and Enjoy. Wed, 18 Mar 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/045.mp3 Show 45 Doctor Who (The Massacre) Podcasts Following the tragic, harrowing events of the Daleks Masterplan, the time travelling duo need a holiday. A nice, relaxing break in an idyllic locale maybe? Perhaps mixing with friendly locals and even taking part in the charming traditions of the local festival wouldn't be a bad idea...... So a 16th Century French BLOODBATH would be just the ticket. Let's see....Paranoid, suspicious locals? Check. Filthy streets drowning in disease and vermin? Check. The threat of death hanging on your every word or action? Check. TARDIS Tours, we know exactly where you want to go......we just won't get you there. Wed, 01 Apr 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/046.mp3 Show 46 Red Dwarf (Back to Earth) Podcasts Easter Egg! Here is what the Cadmium2 team thought about the new episodes of Red Dwarf, recorded immediately after it had aired. Expect spoilers, and after several glasses of wine, be prepared for some potentially fruity language./ Sun, 12 Apr 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/047.mp3 Show 47 Hot Fuzz Podcasts Hot Fuzz could mean anything, so which of these would you rather it was... 1. A new colour in the Dulux Emulsion range 2. A reality TV show following six hopefuls as they try to invent a brand new style of facial hair 3. An art film - a socio-political allegory played out in the form of a man gently warming his pubic hair on a radiator 4. The name of a pop group made up entirely of hirsute young teenagers 5. The Kama Sutra re-published using fuzzy felt Well tough shit, it's a movie about policeman in a sleepy English village. They eat ice cream, wear shorts, help lost swans and shoot everyone over the age of 50. Bring the noise!/ Wed, 15 Apr 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/048.mp3 Show 48 Doctor Who (The Ark) Podcasts The Ark or 'Doctor Who and the Table Tennis Champions of Doom' The Doctor, Steven and Dodo (unfortunately, this one's not extinct) land in a jungle on a spaceship. The Human race lives in a draw and some mute, one eyed ping pong ball swallowers with Beatles hair cuts suffer death by sneezing. The time travellers administer some Lemsip and leave... Only to return immediately - hundreds of years later - to find the Human race are now slaves and the balls-in-mouth aliens have invented talking jewellery and picked a fight with a planet full of invisible giants while Steven searches for an exploding head. The time travellers free the Human slaves and leave... Only to return immediately - hundreds of...NOOOooooooooooooooooooooo Wed, 29 Apr 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/049.mp3 Show 49 The Avengers (Diana Rigg B+W) Podcasts HE's a male secret agent who knows how to use a hat. and an umbrella. SHE knows how to wear a catsuit while performing martial arts. Put them together and you get.... A karate-kicking shemale in a catsuit wearing a bowler hat who hits people with an umbrella - in secret! So let's not do that. Instead, why don't we watch The Avengers? Wed, 13 May 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/050.mp3 Show 50 Doctor Who (The Celestial Toymaker) Podcasts The Doctor and his companions become trapped (Oh No!) in the house of a man wearing a kimono (Disaster!) who forces them to play games against a fat bloke dressed like a schoolboy (Err...what?!). Fu Man Chu's English cousin challenges the Doctor to a game of Ker Plunk!...which takes them all four episodes! They are literally playing it for the whole bloody story, whether the Doctor's rendered mute or invisible or both, he's always playing the sodding thing. Until he wins and breaks his tooth on a boiled sweet. The tit! Steven and Dodo meanwhile, are playing lots of games. An obstacle course (of death), musical chairs (of death) without the music, hunt the key in a pie shop, Strictly Come Dancing on 20,000 volts and a bizarre version of snakes and ladders against the fat man/boy who now appears to be doing an evil Christopher Biggins impression... Needless to say that all the games are deadly and Steven disappoints everyone bu utterly failing to let Dodo lose any of them (despite her very best efforts to commit suicide by gross stupidity). Fortunately, the first three episodes (like the Doctor) have been turned invisible. Wed, 27 May 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/051.mp3 Show 51 The Tomorrow People (The Medusa Strain) Podcasts Well, I did it. After the first Tomorrow People story, I left Earth and went in to the future. Don't go to the future, the fat robot gets rescued from floating through space by a short, squat, bored bank manager who thinks he's a pirate. After taking on the form a man with a funny hairdo, Jedekiah kidnaps a young telepath suffering from a gender crisis and uses him/her/it to travel back in time, steal the crown jewels (from a security system that appears to have been made on Blue Peter) and get revenge on those pesky Tomorrow People. I don't know he can fail, especially when he's got the Green Cross Code man helping him while wearing tiny pants and silver nipples. There's a terrifying abundance of male flesh in thiss story, a young boy who looks like a girl stripped to his nipples, kept in a cage, strapped to a knife-thrower's wheel and having his sleeping face stroked by a man disguised as a pervert......(shudder). People get arrested for making films like that these days. The other plot of the story involves something that blocks telepaths powers...The Medusa Strain! Aptly named since it strains many things. Credibility, intelligence, the budget and your bladder as you desperately try not to wet yourself. It's so dangerous, Ginger manages stops it by pushing it over. The end. There's outstanding wire work, first class statue acting, a triumph of minimalist set design and a moment that'll have you yearning for a quick burst of Yakety Sax. Tomorrow? Who needs tomorrow when yesterday offers far more entertainment than it's possible to take. Wed, 10 Jun 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/052.mp3 Show 52 Doctor Who (The Gunfighters) Podcasts A Fistful of Time Travellers - Doctor Who meets Carry On Cowboy as the time travellers look for a dentist in the wiki wiki wild wild west. While the Doctor tries to deal with rough, tough gunslingers at the O.K. Corral by calling them 'my good man' and 'young fellow', Steven demonstrates animal cruelty by strangling a cat in the saloon and Dodo reveals herself to be a concert pianist of Chas 'n Dave proportions (thank God she didn't start singing 'Rabbit' or 'Snooker Loopy') before going on the run with a murderous surgeon and a singing prostitute, Steven tries to get ber back (God knows why) but ends up bound and gagged on the floor of a house in the middle of the desert surrounded by five lonely, dirty cowboys - was he just a hostage? Or was he filming a gonzo porn flick called 'Red Hot and Rawhide' - only Steven really knows what happened and he's not saying. Dodo rides back into town (shame), The Doctor gets his tooth sorted out (ahhh or perhaps Arrggghh!), lots of cowboys end up dead in the street (yee haw!) and they depart, with Steven looking a little saddle sore... (ouch!) Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/053.mp3 Show 53 The Slide Podcasts A British horror movie from the 1970's about a glamour model whose hair slide is possessed by the spirit of a serial killer. She tries to confuse it by styling her hair differently but it has no effect. The slide takes control of her head and forces her to roam the city streets, head-butting other glamour models to death...until a vigilante hairdresser manages to shave her head, rendering the slide useless. A gory, video nasty this, showing quite graphic depictions of tangled hair, split ends and blood-stained dandruff. The slogan on the posters said 'Bad Hair Day...' No, it's not really. That would be a hair brained idea for a movie! Wed, 08 Jul 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/054.mp3 Show 54 Doctor Who (The Savages) Podcasts The Doctor and Co. arrive on a planet where they are welcomed by a city full of healthy geniuses. They were expecting them and want to give the Doctor a medal for being such a smug know-all; naturally, he jumps at the chance. The others clearly aren't as clever so only warrant token gifts; Dodo gets a mirror (possibly in the hope that she'll turn to stone when she looks in it) and Steven gets a dagger (in case she doesn't). It turns out that they keep young, healthy and smart by draining the life essence from the primitives living outside the city. They quickly realise that Dodo's waaaaay too useless to harvest (what did she do, open her gob?) so they throw her straight out, no waiting. Steven follows (just to get the mirror back, obviously) and they come face to beard with the savages. Ah. The savages, according to a few stray photos, appear to have been cloned from the Monty Python "It's..." man (except the young woman who, even though we can't see her, sounds like she'd be far too good looking to accurately represent a primitive savage who wears skins, grubs around in the dirt and eats nothing but moss.). Steven and Dodo make friends with them (what a surprise) then they rescue the Doctor from being harvested, then Steven proves what a massive clever-clogs he isby defeating an armed soldier. With a mirror. In a cave. And then they all break into the city, find the evil life essence machine and smash the buggering thing into tiny pieces. Story over. Only it isn't, the two sides have kissed and made up and want an outsider to take charge and lead them sensibly; will it be Steven or will it be Dodo? Which one would you rather see the back of? Never mind, better luck next time. Wed, 22 Jul 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/055.mp3 Show 55 The Italian Job Podcasts Che sta solo suppone di dover per soffiare le porte sanguinose! Quando egli non tiro Tigri o shagging sesso gattini, un ex-con richiede un carico di autobus di criminali un viaggio di giorno a Torino. Tutti pensano e solo per guardare il footie ma la banged-up mastermind penale che e il finanziamento lui sa che e davvero per rubare oro dalla mafia. Armato con Mini Coopers, non chins, che una grande e un uomo in un abito rosa, l'ex-raggiro non puo. Ora, se egli potrebbe impedire solo rompere in toilette popolare.... Questo podcast e stato registrato in favore della societa di conservazione dell'automatico Wed, 05 Aug 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/056.mp3 Show 56 Doctor Who (The War Machines) Podcasts The Doctor hatches a cunning plan to finally rid himself of his most useless companion ever. He arrives in the swinging sixties and goes to a nightclub where he chats up a tramp, throws some shapes, picks up a dolly-bird and a sailor and leaves with them in a taxi (oh really? The dirty old goat!). Dodo feels left out so lets herself get brainwashed by a brand new supercomputer with ambitions to host Blankety Blank. Inbetween fronting a chat show and performing a binary rendition of "The Floral Dance", WOTAN the computer hires a load of vacant, mindless nobodies to make war machinesout of egg boxes, sticky back plastic, string and bits of fluff (they're probably all Blue Peter presenters). The Doctor stops the first one by challenging it to a wrestling match in the middle of the street (He's got the cape but thank god he doesn't have a pair of glittery underpants). He traps the second one in a lift until claustrophobia drives it nuts and it beats the crap out of WOTAN. The other seven - SEVEN! Christ how long was this supposed to be? - don't get finished because a vital elastic band shipment never arrives. What do you expect when you base your evil empire in the post office? The Doctor leaves and everyone forgets...oh, you know...wotsername...the extinct animal...Well they forget her anyway. Good. Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/057.mp3 Show 57 Doctor Who (The Smugglers) Podcasts Arrr! Avast, ye scurvy landlubbers, we be the fearsome Time Lords of Penzance! Splice the mainbrace! The Doctor and his two stowaways land in 17th century Cornwall. A dodgy bloke tells the Doctor a secret and they all trudge off through the rain to a local pub where the Doctor gets kidnapped by Captain Hook's evil brother. Polly pretends to be a boy and she and Ben get thrown in jail by a bewigged fat man. Shiver me timbers!! Ben and his girl/boy chum escape with the help of some witches and then, to prove their innocence, they hide in a crypt and beat up a policeman. The Doctor escapes from the pirate ship of Johnny Depp's mad ancestor, finds his gender confused companions and tells the policeman to bugger off. Walk the plank!!! The bartender and the man with the big hair are reverse grave-robbers (they put things IN the graveyard) and are in cahoots with Captain Pugwash's slimmer twin. The Doctor finds the treasure and all the pirates, wig-men, barkeeps and other salty sea dogs kill each other over it. The policeman turns up when it's all over and arrests whoever's left ('cos he's a lazy git). With their swash's firmly buckled, the Doctor, Ben and Polly (who is now firmly resolute as to her femininity) sod off back to the TARDIS, probably stuffing their faces with Cornwall's most famous export...... Yo Ho Ho and a Pastie Wed, 02 Sep 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/058.mp3 Show 58 The Mighty Boosh (Radio Series) Podcasts You may think you know what The Mighty Boosh is, but do you REALLY know what The Mighty Boosh is? Probably not, it's just too weird. So, get that dead bat out of your hair, stop playing table tennis with a 100 year old ape and come with us now as we journey through time and space....to the world of the Mighty Boosh. If you don't, Boffo the Wonder Horse will be on you like a nun sandwich. Wed, 16 Sep 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/059.mp3 Show 59 Doctor Who (The Tenth Planet) Podcasts A group of S and M fanatics (wearing gimp masks made from their mum's tights) get lost on a skiing trip to the South Pole. They stumble onto a secret military outpost at the same time as the Doctor, Ben and Polly. When a new planet appears in the sky everyone goes a bit mental. The Doctor's having none of it, though. He's far too old for that sort of thing so he takes action...and has a nap. Leaving it up to a sailor and a duchess to do something clever with magnets and a luminous stick before the mad general nukes the universe and the kinky gimps enslave the human race (actually, The Kinky Gimps sounds liek a 1970's prog rock group). After all that, the Doctotr decides that he looks far too old and has a very bad reaction to a botox overdose. Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/060.mp3 Show 60 Doctor Who Audio (Spare Parts) Podcasts Spare Parts, Odds and Ends, Bits and Pieces, thingumajigs, nic nacs, stuff; all these things are what you need if you're wanting to make your own cyberman. Along with some tin foil, rubber tubing, a concertina, some sticky-backed plastic, silver spray paint and a pair of moon boots. The more ambitious among you may also find it useful to acquire some plastic sheeting, a sturdy table, a hacksaw, some industrial strength glue and a well restrained "volunteer". Blue Peter this ain't. Wed, 07 Oct 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/061.mp3 Show 61 She-Wolf of London Podcasts AAAOOOOOOOOooooooo! (Yes, yes I know, but it's supposed to be a wolf howling) An American sex addict goes camping in England when she suddenly develops a really hairy back (no, this isn't Hot Fuzz, that was 14 shows ago). Her university professor - who appears to have a fetish for hairy women - chains her to the wall of his cellar/dungeon and tries to keep her secret from the rest of his family, only letting her out to kill gypsies and hack up the occasional corpse. In the meantime, he places an ad in the paper for all sorts of weirdos to come forward and suggest possible cures - displaying a remarkable lack of optimism in the idea of scissors and a razor. Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/062.mp3 Show 62 Doctor Who (Power of the Daleks) Podcasts Just what is the power of the Daleks? In 'The Daleks' we learn that they use static electricity, but this means they can't go outside. By the next story they're doing wheelies in the street so I would guess they've found a way around that problem. Perhaps all those round things on their casings contain permanently vibrating balloons, thereby generating a constant supply of static electricity no matter where they are. In this story, it would appear that years of being inert have deflated the balloons because they have to use the backup method of plugging themselves in. Do they have that little button which makes the plug shoot back into the casing? Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/063.mp3 Show 63 Doctor Who (The Highlanders) Podcasts Och aye the Noooo! Ye dinnae ken the trrrubel ye coz when ye treps roon bonnie Scotland wi'out a kilt or haggis tae call yer ohn... A toff falls down a hole in the 17th century while Polly and a Scottish bird prowl the moors at night looking to mug people. Ben does porridge with a man who plays the bagpipes and the Doctor collects hats whilst dressed as a washer woman! As the Doctor hides from the English soldiers, who clearly don't like transvestites, Ben tries sneaking off to Barbados for a holiday but changes his mind and goes swimming. Polly and her Caledonian counterpart continue their stint as Scotland's most wanted by moving on from late-night muggings to blackmail, then to arms smuggling and, finally, to kidnapping. The Doctor brings the whole thing to a close by impersonating a German lawyer and incites a load of prisoners to riot! As the bodies pile up, Polly adopts the bagpipe man as a pet and they all make their getaway in the TARDIS. In the end, there can be only...oh no, that's the wrong series. Damn! Damn! Damn!......oh no, so's that! Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/065.mp3 Show 65 Casino Royale Podcasts This is definately a Bond for the 21st Century. The World's most persistent phone thief likes it rough in the men's toilets and after trying to stab someone to win a card game, he goes for a night of homoerotic sado-masochism with a man with bloody eyeballs. Then he takes a ride on a vesper but ditches it in an Italian river, rounding off the day by trespassing on private property and shooting a pensioner. What a charmer. Wed, 09 Dec 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/066.mp3 Show 66 Doctor Who (The Underwater Menace) Podcasts The Underwater Menace or 'Stop Piscine About' The TARDIS crew go for a swim in their latest adventure when they discover the lost city of Atlantis! A mad mad scientist (that's a mad scientist who's then gone mad) with an equally mad accent has found the city and promised to raise it, but only he knows that to do it he must blow up the world! Ahahahahahaha!!! (see, I said he was mad). The Doctor tries to stop him by doing something educational with a cooking pot while Polly wanders around wearing whelks and mussels trying not to be turned into a fish, and the boys? Well, they just prance around in tight-fitting wetsuits for most of the story - clearly servicing the fetishist fantasies of the costume designer. There are big hats, big priests, little priests, camp priests, dancing fish (which aren't nearly as entertaining as they sound), the world's smallest market, a stereotypical Irishman, underwater filming without the water, one of the most cliched cliff-hangers ever......and did I mention the mad scientist? This is a story that really should be experienced twice Wed, 23 Dec 2009 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/067.mp3 Dead Set: It's funny, it's serious, it's sweary, it's scary, it's gory, it's violent, it's fatal. There's real celebs, faux celebs, no celebs.....and zombies. Ahhh, zombies; eating you alive, tearing you open with their hands and teeth, chowing down on your innards like last night's pizza, eagerly rending the flesh from your bones, slurping up your intestines like spaghetti, gulping down your brains and sucking the juice from your eyeballs like a creme egg. They don't care about the screaming and thrashing about, they don't care when you lose control of your bodily functions in your final moments, it's slike tartare sauce to them. This sort of thing isn't to everyone's taste though, some of you will think this dramatic, entertaining and insightful... some of you will think it's just offal. Whatever you may think, if you're dead set on watching it, pray you don't feel hungry when it's over. Podcasts It's funny, it's serious, it's sweary, it's scary, it's gory, it's violent, it's fatal. There's real celebs, faux celebs, no celebs.....and zombies. Ahhh, zombies; eating you alive, tearing you open with their hands and teeth, chowing down on your innards like last night's pizza, eagerly rending the flesh from your bones, slurping up your intestines like spaghetti, gulping down your brains and sucking the juice from your eyeballs like a creme egg. They don't care about the screaming and thrashing about, they don't care when you lose control of your bodily functions in your final moments, it's slike tartare sauce to them. This sort of thing isn't to everyone's taste though, some of you will think this dramatic, entertaining and insightful... some of you will think it's just offal. Whatever you may think, if you're dead set on watching it, pray you don't feel hungry when it's over. Wed, 06 Jan 2010 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/068.mp3 It's a pretty uneventful story this, Jamie has a good sleep, Polly makes some tea and does her nails, Ben wanders about and the Doctor looks at a shoe. There's a brief bit of fuss when the Metal Mickey Appreciation Society try to kill some people with the careful application of a bag of sugar but the conflict is solved in true Blue Peter style by using a tray and some hats made out of thimbles. And no one moons anyone. Podcasts It's a pretty uneventful story this, Jamie has a good sleep, Polly makes some tea and does her nails, Ben wanders about and the Doctor looks at a shoe. There's a brief bit of fuss when the Metal Mickey Appreciation Society try to kill some people with the careful application of a bag of sugar but the conflict is solved in true Blue Peter style by using a tray and some hats made out of thimbles. And no one moons anyone. Wed, 20 Jan 2010 00:40:00 -0000