Futility Radio The Podcast of British Cult TV, Film and Radio. http://www.cadmium2.blogspot.com en-gb Copyright 2008 Wed, 12 Nov 2008 00:40:00 -0000 Mon, 25 Jan 2007 08:40:00 -0000 wave@futilityradio.com Futility Radio The Podcast of British Cult TV, Film and Radio. Welcome one and all to Cadium2, the podcast of British cult TV, film and radio. There are plenty of podcasts out there devoted to specific shows and the majority of them happen to be for the big American shows. Now that's all well and good and fine and dandy, we're fans of American shows ourselves, but...hang on, where's all the British stuff. Blighty's been producing quality cult entertainment for decades and it seems like people have forgotten about it. Well we haven't and we're here to remind everyone else what's out there. Not just TV shows, film and radio too. Radio is a big part of British entertainment, there's a huge catalogue of radio plays and adaptations we can cover. And we're not just talking Sci-fi or fantasy either. Admittedly, a lot of our shows will be based in those two genres but there's other stuff out there; Blackadder, Hitchcock movies, Monty Python, the Wicker Man, The Italian Job, Dangermouse, even the Carry On Films. Between the three of us (and our combined age of over 100) we have a rather wide ranging body of experience but we haven't all seen or heard the same things; for example, we'll be covering Timeslip, which only one of us has ever seen before. And we won't just talk about things we like, you'll find that while we all agree on some things, there will be wildly differing opinions on others. We'll also be bringing in some guest presenters every now and then to offer different perspectives. Mike, Paul and Andrew. Covered so far: The Box of Delights Doctor Who Series 1 (An Uneathly Child, The Tribe of Gum, The Daleks, The Edge of Destruction, Marco Polo, The Keys of Marinus, The Aztecs, The Sensorites, The Reign of Terror) Doctor Who Series 2 (Planet of Giants, The Dalek Invasion of Earth, The Rescue, The Romans, The Web Planet, The Crusade, The Space Mueseum) Ghostwatch James Bond (From Russia With Love, Tomorrow Never Dies) Nebulous (Series 1) Neverwhere Red Dwarf (Series 1) The Stone Tape Survivors (Series One, Episodes 1-2) Timelslip (The Wrong End of Time, The Time of the Ice Box, The Year of the Burn Up, The Day of the Clone) The Tomorrow People (The Slaves of Jedikiah) Withnail and I Andrew Richards, Michael Greaves, Paul Greaves cadmium2@futilityradio.com no Doctor Who, Cult, SciFi http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/001.mp3 A detailed discussion about the first ever episode of Doctor Who. Podcasts Welcome one and all to Cadium2, the podcast of British cult TV, film and radio. There are plenty of podcasts out there devoted to specific shows and the majority of them happen to be for the big American shows. Now that's all well and good and fine and dandy, we're fans of American shows ourselves, but...hang on, where's all the British stuff. Blighty's been producing quality cult entertainment for decades and it seems like people have forgotten about it. Well we haven't and we're here to remind everyone else what's out there. Not just TV shows, film and radio too. Radio is a big part of British entertainment, there's a huge catalogue of radio plays and adaptations we can cover. And we're not just talking Sci-fi or fantasy either. Admittedly, a lot of our shows will be based in those two genres but there's other stuff out there; Blackadder, Hitchcock movies, Monty Python, the Wicker Man, The Italian Job, Dangermouse, even the Carry On Films. Between the three of us (and our combined age of over 100) we have a rather wide ranging body of experience but we haven't all seen or heard the same things; for example, we'll be covering Timeslip, which only one of us has ever seen before. And we won't just talk about things we like, you'll find that while we all agree on some things, there will be wildly differing opinions on others. We'll also be bringing in some guest presenters every now and then to offer different perspectives. So, on to our first show. And where better to start Cadmium2 than with the very first episode of the World's longest running TV science fiction show. Being lifelong Doctor Who fans we decided that one of our tasks would be to review Doctor Who in order, from the beginning. A challeging task, you might say. So we sat down in eager anticipation to watch a show we know upside down, inside out and back to front only to notice things we'd never noticed before (and still wish we hadn't). In a bizzare parallel, just like Doctor Who, Cadmium2 also has two first shows. Unlike Doctor Who though, you will never get to experience our first attempt because it was a hideous, hideous experience. But it was worth it in the long run because the result is the podcast we unveil to you now. So whatever you may be doing whilst listening to this podcast, we hope you enjoy it. Mike, Paul and Andrew. Mon, 25 Jan 2007 08:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/002.mp3 Paul and Andrew visit the studio where Big Finish are recording their latest play, The Wishing Beast. Featuring interviews with Jean Marsh, Bonnie Langford and John Ainsworth. Podcasts Andrew and Paul went along to the Big Finish studios to interview the head honcho, Nicholas Briggs. This is not that show. While they were there, they went to see the new Doctor Who audio play being recorded and spoke to the people involved. This is that show. Sun, 19 Aug 2007 08:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/003.mp3 Paul, Andrew and Mike discuss the first Timeslip serial from 1970. Podcasts This show needs a whole new sub-genre to identify it. It's not SF, it's not Sci-Fi, it's...Science-Fi. While the story may be a load of old man's giblets, the science behind it is apparently based on actual scientific theories of the day (you know, in the same way that Eastenders is based on 'reality'). They even go so far as to have a rather dull scientist introduce the first episode by explaining the theoretical principles of time travel (it involves bubbles and...stuff). Nobody uses actual science to come up with stories anymore, they jut make up any old guff. Imagine... 'Good evening. Tonight's programme involves a space anomaly..er, a blue, squiggly one. The effect of which is that time itself fragments and shatters resulting in an accumulation of non-energy particles, which form a re-active reverse envelope field of quasi-uni time, as demonstrated with this chicken and a rubber band. (twannng, cluck) The result is past, present and future existing all at the same time. Scientists know that this is all a load of [bleep] but the writers thought it would be cool to see a dinosaur on a double-decker bus. Look, someone's drawn a picture. Enjoy the show.' Actually, that sounds great. wed, 29 Aug 2007 08:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/004.mp3 Paul and Andrew talk to Nick Briggs, the producer of the Big Finish Doctor Who range and the voice of the Daleks (and more) in the latest series of Doctor Who. Podcasts This is that show that wasn't that show last time. This time though, this most definitely IS that show. And this one. That is all. wed, 12 Sep 2007 08:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/005.mp3 Paul, Andrew, Mike and Wendy discuss the 18th Bond film! Podcasts We couldn't very well talk about a James Bond film without our good friend Wendy. Besides, she wouldn't let us. We picked a James Bond film in a very scientific manner...Andrew pulled one out of a box. It was Octopussy. He tried again...It was Die Another Day. So someone else had a go and we got number 18, Tomorrow Never Dies. Hurrah. Now then, you'll hear some forthright views in this podcast because, apart from Andrew, we're all big James Bond fans. Naturally, we all have our differing opinions so don't be too alarmed when Paul and Wendy start shouting at each other about which was the best of the Brosnan Bonds, because I know it's The World Is Not Enough (Andrew's not bothered and he'd be wrong anyway). So, put on your best tuxedo, order yourself a vodka martini, violently kill somebody with a cello and settle down to listen to us batter each other senseless with our unrelenting opinions. And when it's all over, remember... Cadmium2 will return wed, 26 Sep 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/006.mp3 Paul, Andrew, Mike review the rest of the first ever Doctor Who story. Podcasts Or, to give it its proper title 'episodes 2,3 and 4 of An Unearthly Child' (we can't actually agree on that one but never mind). After the harrowing, register teasing storyline of the very first episode, these next three really push the envelope... RADA re-enacts a pre-historic wrestling tournament while the regular actors are whipped with twigs. Oh, and a man on a glockenspiel over does it and has to be threatened with burning skulls. Classic. And nobody chews gum. At all. What the hell's that about wed, 10 Oct 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/007.mp3 We watch the 1973 BBC TV Movie.. Podcasts No, it's not a sex tape of Mick Jagger that's been leaked on to the internet. The Stone Tape is... ...The first show in a series. The little-known follow up shows were - The Rock Glue, The Limestone Adhesive and The Clay Velcro. There was a brief dalliance with Children's television, but The Pebble Pritt Stick didn't do very well and the rest of the series was scrapped, leaving The Stone Tape as the best of the whole sorry bunch. The Stone Tape is... ...A largely forgotten documentary about the origins or rock music, tracing it all the way back to pre-historic times when cavemen used dinosaur bones to bang on rocks in order to impress cavewomen. Of course, all this was before the dinosaurs were stolen by aliens. The Stone Tape is... ...A one-off BBC drama from 1977 full of sexism, racism, egotism and other things ending in 'ism'. The Stone Tape takes inspiration from scientific theory and gives it a ghostly spin to create a tense, atmospheric and creepy drama. Or maybe, like the stone tape itself, it's a cold, lifeless, vague impression of something that's had it's day. You decide. wed, 24 Oct 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/008.mp3 We watch the 1973 BBC TV Movie.. Podcasts It's amazing that this one ever got past the BBC Censors. In only the second Doctor Who story ever, the TARDIS crew help the Thals fight and destroy their opponents. Sounds straight forward to us but hang on a minute, weren't the perfect looking, blonde haired, blue eyed people the model of a perfectly ordered Aryan super race as recommended by the Nazis. Not one of the Thals is disabled, deformed or 'unattractive'. And our heroes teach them all how to fight. They teach the Nazi way to the Nazi poster boys and even join in when they head off to kill all the mutated, deformed inhabitants of the city, all of whom are disabled. They're all confined to wheelchairs and unable to leave their home. There's nowhere for them to run to and as a result they're sitting ducks, mercilessly preyed upon by the Thals until they're all dead. And then the Doctor and friends head off somewhere else, feeling all smug and happy that they've helped wipe out a civilisation. And this is presented as a children's show. wed, 14 Nov 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/009.mp3 We watch the ITV show... Podcasts They call themselves the Tomorrow People. They are the future of mankind. If that's true, I'm leaving Earth the first chance I get. Actually, they appear to be intergalactic veterinary surgeons. In this, the first ever story, a fat robot with a limited vocabulary asks them to give his pet frog some cough medicine. wed, 28 Nov 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/010.mp3 We watch The Box of Delights. Podcasts Sometimes you watch a TV show that you saw as a child and you think 'why did I like this so much'. It's dated so badly, it's just awful' (actually what you probably think is 'jesus, what a creaky load of old shite' but you know what I mean). It makes you think that all the shows you enjoyed when you were young are just rotting dinosaurs now. But then there are shows like The Box of Delights. Yes, at first glance it may look primitive compared to today's standards but it's actually far superior to many shows that followed. The story, the acting, the atmosphere, the effects...no matter how often you watch it, it's always impressive, always entertaining and it always makes you nostalgic for the time when you first saw it on TV at Christmas as a kid. Of course it has its flaws, what doesn't. But take the DVD off the shelf, open the box and you'll be delighted (see what I did there). As soon as you start to watch it, it'll feel like Christmas again....even in June. wed, 12 Dec 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/011.mp3 A review of the third ever Doctor Who story.. Podcasts Ian and the Doctor spend half the story flat on their backs while Barbara gets hysterical and Susan just goes Maaaaaadd. What with scissors, strangulation, hands up skirts, bleeding wounds and men's pants, this bizzare two-parter seems like some Cronenberg directed, schizophrenic sado-masochist's wet dream (all it's missing is Hartnell in a gimp mask). Unfortunately, no-one but Cronenberg could possibly get excited about this story - especially when they find out why it's happening - and, quite frankly, the climax can only come as a relief. That's not what I meant, you're all sick. wed, 26 Dec 2007 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/012.mp3 A review of the fourth ever Doctor Who story. Podcasts The Adventurer with the Hole. Difficult one this, normally, when you listen to an audio play your mind creates images to go with the events, so logically, this should be all the more impressive because we're picturing a seven part journey from the Himalayas to Peking involving bandits, intrigue, sword fights, capture, escape, sweeping vistas, dramatic action... Unfortunately, this is British 60's sci-fi for television, so we know what the production values would have been like and as a result we're picturing half-heartedly blacked up actors, a couple of rocks in a sandpit and barely convincing backdrops with creases in them. But, then again, it wasn't meant to be radio so we'll let them off. A bit. So here is our latest show, all about Doctor Who and the Minty Fresh Explorer wed, 09 Jan 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/013.mp3 In this show, we look at the BBC Radio 4 science fiction comedy show Nebulous. Podcasts Hmmm, Nebulous. What can I say about Nebulous that isn't vague, confused or indistinct... I could say that it's set in the future. I could say that it's about an ex-clown turned brilliant scientist who blew up the Isle of Wight and now runs a laundy service inbetween saving the world from dust, talking cacti, coincidences and friendy aliens. I could say that it's very funny, very clever and very funny. I could say that it has an excellent main cast, an impressive guest cast and has happily managed to have two series with no mention yet of transferring to television (good thing too, it belongs on radio). I could say that you should listen to it. In fact, I WILL say that you should listen to it. You should listen to it. wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/014.mp3 In this show, we look at the fifth Doctor Who story, The Keys of Marinus. Podcasts The TARDIS crew arrive on a planet where a gang of wetsuit-clad burglars are trying to break into an old man's home and steal his keys....the bastards. But the old man's been really crafty, see, and he's hidden the keys all over the planet. But of course he's old and probably lost his glasses so the Doctor and friends go off to find the keys before the burglars can get them. But they have to nick them off some comedy knights, a courtroom judge, plants on strings, a hairy rapist and some splatty things in jars.....ooh, the excitement. There was actually a seventh episode where they get back only to find that the old man has indeed lost his glasses and asks them to search the planet all over again. They push him over, steal his pension and run off. Wisely, the episode was dropped. wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/015.mp3 In this show, we look at the second Timeslip story, The Time of the Ice Box. Podcasts Brrr. It's chilly willys all round as Lovely Liz and Speccy Simon find themselves in a frozen wasteland. It's the far future (1990 to be precise) and they take refuge in a remote scientific outpost where the inhabitants are trying to perfect an anti-ageing drug. They are a posh aunt, a young guy who seems far too interested in Liz for decency's sake and a man who lives like he's dancing 'the robot'. When you add to that an older, evil version of Liz and a funky black wig for her mum, this show's got everything....well no, actually it has very little but it is fun. Important note: Watch the episode that's in colour and you'll see that Simon really is the stylish trend setter we all thought he was. wed, 20 Feb 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/016.mp3 To celebrate the twentieth anniversary of the show, we look at the very first series of Red Dwarf. Podcasts Goits, Gits, Gimps and Gimboids of all ages gather round as we celebrate the 20th anniversary of Red Dwarf. No it's not a show about a Russian midget, that wouldn't be very interesting. A scouse poet, an impressionist with big nostrils, a dancer and a stand up comedian who spends all his time sitting down, live (and die) in a spaceship whilst being obscenely rude to each other and not meeting aliens. So, if you're a white hatted ponce, a six breasted Quagaar Warrior Woman or even if you look something like a roast chicken, then order yourself some blackcurrant cordial with blancmange and two creams and a sugar and reminisce with us about the day that Frankenstein didn't go to Fiji. If that made any sense at all, I worry about you. This podcast was sponsored by the Norweb Federation. wed, 05 Mar 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/017.mp3 We continue our coverage of Doctor Who with the first series story The Aztecs. Podcasts There's nothing like a bit of grave robbing followed by identity fraud and religious intolerance but sometimes, that just isn't enough. Try poisoning your best mate or running out on your fiance before the wedding. And if all else fails, you can always fall back on the old 'destroying a man's faith' routine. That one gets 'em every time. Obviously, this won't appeal to everyone, so for those of you who prefer a less hands-on approach, you could simply dress up like a leopard and wait for the Spaniards. Aahhh, those were the days wed, 19 Mar 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/018.mp3 Show 18: Doctor Who (The Sensorites) Podcasts The three wise monkeys of Cadmium2 (geek no evil, swear no evil, fart no evil) try to make 'sense' of Doctor Who's latest adventure. As season one of Doctor Who nears it's dimensionally transcendental end, this under-rated story has a lot more going for it than you might think - a spooky spaceship, telepathic aliens, a deranged astronaut, murder, intrigue, suspense and a podgy alien who likes to dress in other people's clothes. And, best of all, we find out where the Bee Gees got their look. Yes indeed, those eunuch lung-ed disco squealers clearly stole their image from this particular story and it may well have been the inspiration behind their most well known hit. Altogether now, Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiii-hiiiiiiiiiiiiii-hiiiiiiiiiiiive wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/019.mp3 Show 19: Neverwhere. Podcasts Maria makes four this week as we all gather round to watch Neverwhere. Oh wow, it's got him in it. And that's the bloke from whatsit. I recognise him. And him. Hey look, it's her from that other show. I didn't realise he was around then. Isn't that the woman who was in that sitcom. And wasn't she in a Bond movie. He was in that one we just watched wasn't he. Blimey, every actor in the UK seems to be in this. He looks familiar, what's his name. I didn't remember him being in it. Oh it's her, I liked her. Didn't that guy play one of the Beatles. Oh, I've not seen her in anything before. Or since. Good thing really. wed, 16 Apr 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/020.mp3 Show 20: Doctor Who (The Reign of Terror) Podcasts It's the Doctor's turn to dress in someone else's clothes this week as the final story of season one sees another tale of mistaken identity, this time set during the French Revolution. The Doctor and crew encounter burning buildings, prison cells, the guillotine, rats, riots, spying, assassination and a dirty shovel. One of them screams, one of them has a holiday, one wears a feathered hat and one nearly cops off with a Frenchman. It's a violent, historical romp. Almost like Cadmium2 itself (except for the violence) (and the history) (and the romping) wed, 30 Apr 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/021.mp3 Show 21: Doctor Who (Series 1) Podcasts Does exactly what it says on the pod, what more do you want. Alright, I'll elaborate. The first season of Doctor Who was a landmark in British television and set the show's template for the next 40 years. Because of this, and because we have just watched the whole season in order, we have decided to discuss the season in it's entirety; dissecting the storylines, themes, morals and characters as well as the production values, performances and its impact as a hole. Sorry, I meant 'whole'. wed, 14 May 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/022.mp3 Show 22: Timeslip (The Year of the Burn Up) Podcasts The heat is on as Lovely Liz and Speccy Simon once again find themselves in a possible future, but this time there's sunshine and a jungle and lots more skin and identical women and secret rooms and a brain wiping machine and thigh-high boots and a lovers tiff and a mad old man and a starey-eyed villain and a woman who can't stop laughing and rocks, lots of rocks. No, I mean it, there's LOTS of rocks. Seriously, you'd better like rocks. There's a bucket load of plot too. Oh, and some shit about cabbages (don't ask). So what are you waiting for, start the show, listen and enjoy as we discuss Timeslip: The Year of the Rocks. (if you're worried about the survival rate of cabbages in extreme temperatures, call the cabbage helpline on this number now - 0800 6293what the hell are you doing, there's no such bloody number you fool. A cabbage survival charity, are you mad) wed, 28 May 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/023.mp3 Show 23: Withnail and I Podcasts Wendy returns this week to join us as we watch Withnail and I. This iconic British movie stars two of Britain's most talented actors - and a couple of blokes called Paul Mcgann and Richard E. Grant (I bet they won't amount to anything). Popular with students, it's a film about drugs, drink driving, burglary and dead fish. You may need a camberwell carrot to get through it but if you watch it all the way to the end and you don't feel like screaming at cattle, there's something wrong with you. wed, 11 Jun 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/024.mp3 Show 24 Doctor Who (Planet of Giants) Podcasts The second season hits the big time as the Doctor discovers that size IS important. Stupidity and plot holes abound as the TARDIS crew are shrunk to the size of a baby's fingernail. MARVEL at the giant earthworm. SHUDDER at the large wasp. Feel your SKIN CRAWL at the enormous fly. CRINGE at the 'how to act in a matchbox' scene. STARE DUMBFOUNDED at their 999 emergency call. RUN AWAY at the prospect of watching it again. wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/025.mp3 Show 25 From Russia With Love Podcasts James Bond goes to Istanbul to find his biggest fan because she wants to give him a typewriter. What he doesn't know is that she's lying and actually works for an ugly woman who stabs people with her feet. They're Russian and they want to kill him. So does the bloke from Jaws. Bond doesn't care though, he sleeps with the fan, strangles the shark hunter, steals the typewriter, makes a sex tape and still has time to umpire at a women's wrestling match (with first dibs on the contestants, naturally). Can't wait to see what Goldfinger is about, it sounds right up his street. wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/026.mp3 Show 26: Doctor Who (The Dalek Invasion of Earth) Podcasts In the rather annoying event of an alien invasion, it wouldn't hurt to follow these instructions. 1. Twist Your Ankle 2. Get Captured 3. Run through London with a sour faced woman pushing a cripple 4. Squelch through the sewers taking great care to squash the terrifyingly tiny alligator 5. Defuse a polystyrene bomb 6. Tear your jacket 7. Hide in a hanging-basket while a man in a bag falls of a cliff 8. Stop any explosive devices by balancing them on a stick Congratulations, you have just stopped an alien invasion. Wasn't difficult, was it? wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/027.mp3 Show 27 Timeslip (The Day of the Clone) Podcasts Right then, we can travel through time so where shall we go? The far future, to see flying cars and martian colonies? To the distant past to see knights in armour or the dinosaurs? No, tell you what....Let's go here five years ago. That's cheap! Okay, so the tramps will have to be slightly less urine stained and the dog turds will need to be fresher, but apart from that we can film on the streets and re-use sets, Hooray. The entire budget can then be spent on a life-size papier mache model of Liz, which serves no purpose to the story and scares the living f#@k out of everyone who sees it because it looks like it was made underwater by a blind madman with no fingers. Let's do that then. wed, 06 Aug 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/028.mp3 Show 28 Doctor Who (The Rescue/The Romans) Podcasts Right then, we can travel through time so where shall we go? The far future, to see flying cars and martian colonies? To the distant past to see knights in armour or the dinosaurs? No, tell you what....Let's go here five years ago. That's cheap! Okay, so the tramps will have to be slightly less urine stained and the dog turds will need to be fresher, but apart from that we can film on the streets and re-use sets, Hooray. The entire budget can then be spent on a life-size papier mache model of Liz, which serves no purpose to the story and scares the living f#@k out of everyone who sees it because it looks like it was made underwater by a blind madman with no fingers. Let's do that then. wed, 20 Aug 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/029.mp3 Show 29 Children of the Stones Podcasts Last in a series of documentaries about the offspring of the Rolling Stones. This week - Sir Mick Jagger and his seven children (by four women) and three grandchildren: They thought he was just Mick Jagger, what they didn't know was that in 1555 Nostradamus predicted he would raise an army, an army that would take over the world! The prediction goes: On December 31st 2010, a Rolling Stones concert will take place, and the last note of the last song will transmit a signal; having been strategically placed across the globe, the entire Jagger clan will activate. As one, they will rise up, pout, clap their hands and strut in that odd confused chicken style he's so keen on. It will be so mesmerising that no one will be able to resist their power! As each person they meet falls under their spell and becomes like them, the World's population will be turned into Jagger clones. They will build an army of spaceships and travel the universe singing Ruby Tuesday and turning any race they meet into other Jagger clones. A select few will be allowed to become David Bowies and Peter Tosh's (for cloned collaboration purposes only) and all will be forced to watch Ned Kelly and Freejack....Forever! All Hail The Mighty Jagger! Or we could just be taking the mick wed, 03 Sep 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/030.mp3 Show 30 Doctor Who (The Web Planet) Podcasts When the Tardis is forced to land on a planet, the crew discover that a giant, telepathic jellyfish with the voice of a pervert has taken over, enslaved all the ants, evicted the butterflies and started to collect moons. What the F**k? The butterflies want the planet back and get the Tardis crew to help them deflate the jellyfish. They don't do this straight away of course, oh no, first, Ian burbles on about losing his pen and then, when his school tie gets ruined, the stress proves too much and he talks about dropping his trousers. The Doctor's not much better because while Barbara's doing half a Boris Karloff impression (she only sticks one arm out), he's staring into the jaws of death and asks to use an intergalactiv hair-dryer. Vicki doesn't do anything worth talking about. Now, come on. I know this was an experimental story but what the hell went on there? I mean, ambition is one thng but this can only be explained by a complete collective mental breakdown at the BBC (Bloody Bonkers Corporation). Strangely, there's this stuff smeared all over the camera lens for all six episodes. Either the cameraman got over excited at the thought of a grown man dressed like a giant ant or they were tryin to make it less watchable for some reason. It's as if they knew.... wed, 17 Sep 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/031.mp3 Show 31: Survivors (Part 1) Podcasts Aaaaahhhhhh, the peace and quiet of the English countryside with it's wonderful sounds and smells. The beautiful birdsong, the babbling of brooks and the wind in the trees wafting the smell of the rotting corpses....what?! That's right, it's the first two episodes of (the original) Survivors. Cheery title, eh? Implies something bad has happened. Still, it could have been worse, they could have called it "No Survivors" or "Very Few Survivors" or "Almost Everyone's DEAD!" Terry Nation must have been a really miserable sod. First he created the Daleks, then he created Blake's 7 and now this! Tragedy strikes when a Chinese scientist drops a vial of deadly bacteria and spreads it aaall over the world (Butterfingers! Bet the clumsy oaf won't do that again). Over the next few weeks, everyone dies from excessive sweating except for a posh bird, a bit of totty from London, a Welsh tramp and a miserable git with his own helicopter. Fortunately, there's no annoying little cutesy brat (because in Britain we go for realism and they would have been the first to go). Cue lots of silence, walking through fields, washing in puddles and burning of the dead. Basically, they all become potato farmers and try not to think about the fact that they'll have to shag each other senseless in order to continue the human race ("ooh, ooh, I bagsy the tramp!"). How utterly depressing. Enjoy. wed, 01 Oct 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/032.mp3 Show 32: Doctor Who (The Crusade) Podcasts The time travellers arrive in 'history' again. Barbara gets kidnapped during a swordfight between some men in tabards and some other men in different tabards, the Doctor and Vicki go shoplifting and Ian shouts at King Richard until he gets knighted (I bet no one's ever tried that with Queen Liz!). Barbara's interrogated by what appears to be a shoe shine man who fell asleep in the polish so she impersonates a member of the royal family - as you do. Her captor (giving what can only be described as a 'polished' performance - ba-dum tsh! Aiiiy thank you) takes her to his harem. Ian goes looking for her but decides to take part in a medieval gay sex game instead -- the rules of the game are very simple, Ian lies staked out on the beach and an Arabic horse thief starts removing his (Ian's) clothes. Covering Ian in honey, he then watches with mounting excitement from behind a tree as the local wildlife licks Ian's honey glazed flesh (this is where the scene changes - thank god it was nearly in danger of losing it's children's programme status). So, while Barbara gets to swap knitting techniques with the other sex slaves, the Doctor and Vicki hang around in King Richard's pad doing nothing much. Vicki pretends to be a boy for some reason and, despite the apparent lack of a trans-gender society in the middle ages, no one seems to notice that "Victor" has tits (maybe moobs is a much older term than we think). Ian arrives in time to watch someone else save Barbara from a life of endless sex and all four of them bugger off back to the TARDIS. Ian never mentions his gay animal romp to a living soul. wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/033.mp3 Show 33: Ghostwatch Podcasts Ghostwatch, with Bill Oddie......oh, no, that's Autumnwatch, or Springwatch, or Rutting Bloody Birdswatch! So, Ghostwatch... There's one! There's one! There's one! There's one! Okay, this could get tedious so over to Michael Parkinson, king of the chat shows, who's interviewing the ghost of a suicidal cross-dresser, eaten by cats. It's all very interesting (except for Mike Smith, who isn't). So we'll go to Sarah Greene, who's actually IN the house WITH the family and a man dressed in PINK standing infront of the CURTAINS. One of the girls has got a HAMMER, there's a STAIN on the carpet and there are some APPLES on STRINGS...frightening STUFF. So we'll visit Craig Charles who's in the street outside finding the whole thing amusing and talking to some old bloke about dead dogs. Which reminds me, let's try Mike Smith again......no, still not interesting. So, Ghostwatch then... trick or treat? Fri, 31 Oct 2008 00:40:00 -0000 http://www.superultra6.uk2.net/~uk2futilitycom14669/episodes/cad/034.mp3 Show 34: Doctor Who (The Space Museum) Podcasts Okay, the TARDIS crew arrive in a space museum (hence the title) where they see themselves as exhibits in glass cases. In a fascinating science fiction concept, this is explained by their having turned up before they've arrived, which is also after they've already been there. So when they first arrive for the second time, they've already arrived after themselves before they even turn up. So by getting there both before AND after the second time they turn up first, they IT HURTS! IT HURTS! OWWWW......MY BRAIN!!! Fortunately, the next three episodes provide ample opportunity for the brain to recover. Wed, 12 Nov 2008 00:40:00 -0000